Devastation, Creation, Repel and Attraction
The equations are too long to list
A complexity that turns to mist
Too many drops to enlist
In the middle of their reactions... we exist.
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When I look at life as equations I suddenly feel down, because I don't want everything to be calculateable (If that word didn't exist before, it does now). What I mean by this is that if everything can be calculated, then the fate of the world, and we who live in it, is already determined.
I want to make a change, and making a change in something predetermined and fixed is impossible, for if all my actions are based on previous actions and things that have happened to me. Where is my will?
I've fallen into thoughts to deep to comprehend about that earlier in life and ended up in what I would call a depression, so... I created myself out of the depression, by making paintings. Planning my paintings are out of the question, they just happen.
I feel that I tap into something greater when I go creational, not into previous experiences but more like a big something I cant explain. This happens when I write poetry aswell, the mind stops thinking, starts singing and the lyrics of that song turns to text. It's like an honest expression of my mind, without the filters of what one should or shouldn't write.
So people, if life seems too pre-determined, or that you feel like standing still where you are now, create!
The first thing to come to mind when I was going to start create again was "I'm not good enough anymore","I dont have the skills left", "Look at all the other great artists, I dont stand a chance" or maybe even "I dont have the energy".
But... I had a burning desire to get out of my depression so I started off small, like when you train, you cant start with the biggest weights because you just dont have the power. You have to start off small and slowly increase. So I started making sketches and then more advanced sketches, then went into blender (3d-program) to play with functions and see what could happen. I felt as if every creation I made, good or bad, still helped me move forward. So, about half a year later, I sold my first digital arts painting! begone depression, begone!
If you can relate to this story, about feeling "stuck" in your life, start off small to make changes into the direction you want to head, have patience and realise that everything you create, is a ventilation of thoughts and feelings and is therefor equally important, so don't look down on what you create if it doesnt turn out a masterpiece, just see it as negative thoughts and feelings have been ventilated, and move on to the next creation!
I hope that you can relate to this and that it might help you in some way.
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